Some Things About Me

So, in the interest of full disclosure, and in honour of my upcoming 41st birthday...I thought maybe it's time to tell you a few things about me. Here are 41 useless facts about Carla.

1. I love anything chocolate (except for the protein milkshakes I dubbed "Chocolate Snot" when I was on a liquid fasting diet (torture) regimen for 5 months in 2003.
2. I once lost 75 pounds drinking nothing but chocolate snot.
3. I still love everything else chocolate.
4. The pounds I lost on the Liquid Torture Diet went out into the world, found friends, procreated, and brought the whole gang back to reside on my ass.
5. I have an unreasonable fear of maggots. And bugs. Yes, bugs are pretty useless, in my books.
6. I once stopped eating meat for 5 months.
7. I was once involved in a "Maggot Incident" (see above)
8. I once lost 50 pounds, when I was a vegetarian.
9. They, too, found me again
10. I hate back fat.
11. I still don't know where one can procure a large number of maggots (I've tried...they look at me strangely when I ask for them at the meat counter)
12. I'm just kidding about wanting maggots. No one needs to lose weight that badly.
13. Please don't bring me maggots for my birthday.
14. My sister and her friends have congratulated me on winning "The Husband Lottery" on numerous occasions - He's the one that actually manages the cooking and cleaning and laundry while I entertain all of you.
15. My house is an unholy mess. (well, he's pretty good in bed, so you can't have everything)
16. I hate the sound my cats make when they snack on mice.
17. I let them snack on mice, because of a little incident we like to call "Mouse Flambé in the Furnace"
18. Mice smell really, really bad when they are roasted.
19. I am trying to lose a serious amount of weight.
20. I would have recorded this list as a podcast, but the Pringles are making too much noise.
21. I am also trying to quit smoking.
22. I am attempting to switch to coconut-flavoured electronic cigarettes.
23. The guilt of my double life as an organic boutique owner/crazed nicotine addict finally got to me.
24. My breath now smells of coconuts
25. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
26. No I don't, my boobs headed south years ago.
27. Know this...if you don't want yours to head there, too - for the love of God! Wear a bra when you are nursing!
28. I have, on numerous occasions, used mine as a wind-sock on the antennae of my car. (my bra, not my breasts)
29. My children may need therapy
30. I wish I had antennae.
31. If I did, they probably would have headed south with my boobs.
32. I once dated a photography student.
33. Somewhere out there is a glorious photograph of my right breast.
34. Damn! (wish I had that now)
35. I am a closet songwriter/singer/writer
36. Any singer that says they do not narcissistically listen to themselves over and over is lying!
37. My children are thoroughly sick of my voice
38. So are my employees
39. My mother in Law thinks I am a babbling idiot.
40. I am a babbling idiot around my mother in law.
41. No, she's not here with me now